January 2020 excerpts

I’m here to tell you something I suppose. I’m unsure of what. I know I came here to find out.

This energy is very heavy. I feel lighter, which is good, but still heavy. I feel scattered in heaviness. Like as soon as one place feels too much, I move on to the next space. It’s a feeling that’s hard to describe. It’s trying not to be anxious, in an anxious way. I suppose it’s avoiding.

I got back from Kentucky late last night. Passed out in my winter coat because it was/is somehow still cold here and my AC/heat unit still sucks. I have little to no food, but I leave for Tampa in two days, so I can survive. I have zero energy to go anywhere or talk to anyone. I can’t run errands.

I have no interest in doing anything. I’m almost indifferent and bored with all options. I’m freezing and restless. I can’t think or focus. I can’t listen to anyone, nor talk to them. I’ve done some yoga and a quick mediation to help. Coming here to write is my last hope. I wish I knew how to relax or had a set routine to make that happen. I suppose I could try reading. I’m uninterested in watching TV or being on my phone. I just want to be numb. I just want to be asleep. I want to rest.

I feel like I have a zillion things to do, although none are important and many await me in my future. I need to find the time and space to relax. Yet in this space I’m creating more lists and thinking of new ways to entertain myself. I’ve somehow become bored with myself. I know it’s the weather. I hate being cold. Yet, I know I can’t nor do I want to go anywhere. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe knowing I have tomorrow, will ease my troubling mind.

I can’t find the peace I’m looking for. It’s the desire to rest and the desire to move. Finding the balance between those two has been the greatest predicament in life for me, thus far.


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