depression and anxiety – how silly is that

I’m in a prison of my mind. I try to tune out the noise, but it is all around me. It is in the traffic that revs by, the men with the leaf blowers and other tools. It’s construction trucks and trains in the distance. I try to drown them out with music, meditation, and podcasts. Sometimes it works. Other times I’m begging for complete silence and then resisting it when it finally happens. I’m at war with myself. I’m constantly looking to the external for validations and distractions, comfort and guidance.

I put down the blue pen and traded it for a different one. I gave gratitude for the gifts and moments that existed today. Yet, my aching heart and impatient mind still yearns for more. I wonder if and when I’ll be satisfied.

meg barrett the fool

Learning is helping. Seeing that there are things in the universe that make me feel this way, as well as other beings in this world that also feel this way, is helping. I’m in another strange contradiction of needing to connect with humans, and resisting the hell out of them, out of fear. I do not know when or how this fear came to be. Memories of the past sneak up on me that allude to the answers to these questions. Some are frighteningly real, but none truly terrify me. After all, I survived them. And then I realize, some humans have lived through worse. And then I am in empathy. And then it all comes back. It comes full circle.

Life is cyclical, not linear. As humans, we are told there is a beginning and finish line to this journey. We are told we must rise and set with the sun every day. And we must feel guilty for having days when this simple act, is difficult.

How silly is that.

time map

life is cyclical, not linear

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