I can’t tell you when I wrote this. The days blend and blur so much, that many felt much like this one. Possibly, this a collection of entries combined into the one you are about to read. I hope you find comfort in the fact that now, I am smiling as I publish this. Because now, I am free.
I’ve been lost in shadows, chasing demons, and swallowing sobs. I realized today it is good to transmute that energy. To release that pain. Separating myself from it is difficult. Hardest of all, is how alone I feel. I know I need to talk to someone, but it’s hard to know what part of this journey is meant to be mine alone and what parts can be shared. Every time I think I’m out of this hole, I just find myself deeper in it. I can’t even properly explain it to a piece of a paper, how could I possibly do so to some stranger or a close friend?
I’ve gotten so used to this small hellhole, I can hardly remember what it’s like to be anywhere else. I want to be alone, then realize I need human contact and connection. Then I’m at a crossroads, immobile and frozen. Every time I think I’m at the finish line, spirit tells me to wait some more. I can hardly even tell what I’m waiting for anymore. It’s been so long. I’m almost used to this misery and have accepted it as my new normal.
I know I am connected to spirit and stronger than I think, but I’m tired. Oh, so tired of feeling this way. Of not knowing how to talk to others, or what to even say. I’m tired of listening, observing, and absorbing. And I feel like I have to be this happy, inviting, warm version of myself when I’m in public, when I’ve become this dark, crying shadow. I’m a dim light in the dark. I’m a rambling mess who lost her way, waiting for something that’s probably just waiting on her. Except I don’t know how to get to it, nor find it.
I’m falling into a depression or depression is falling into me. I need to straighten up my act in my environment and vessel. I’m losing gas and interest. Lost in a fog I don’t even feel like escaping anymore. One that I just want to lie down and rest in. I suppose this is embracing my shadow and working with it more, rather than against it. I’m welcoming it back into my life, like it never left. I have faith. I suppose I don’t have patience, determination, nor willpower. Maybe I’m too hard on myself. Maybe I’m not hard enough. Maybe there needs to be more discipline, more work, more trials and tribulations. I’m near the end of my rope. I suppose I could, “tie a knot and hang on.” – Franklin Roosevelt
It’s hard not to look to the future and pray for it to hurry and be here when you are so tired of now. I’ve been stuck in this purgatory for what feels like forever. I’ve almost accepted it as my new reality, though I haven’t meant to. It’s snuck up on me, without my realization, until it was too late and I was too deep in it, wishing for someone to appear as my saving grace and way out when it’s only me who can do so.
I find the shadow is one of my own. One who wants to wake and bake again. I suppose my higher self knows that’s not the answer, but the devil on my shoulder tells me who cares. It’s Saturday and you have nothing to do. Plus, I don’t know, I like exploring that side of myself, though it can be very dizzying. Perhaps, I am wearing myself out. I keep looking to the external for direction or distraction. I can hardly tell the difference anymore; if I ever could. I suppose I should have a more sobering experience of life, though that also feels so depressing. I believe I’m conscious in both realms, but perhaps, not as much as I could be. I feel tired and bored. Confused, lost, anxious, all of the above. I’ve caused a tightness in my jaw so great, I don’t even know how I can heal it. Or when. Or how long. How long, how long, how long. A concept that haunts me forever as if time is even linear. All we have is now. And now, I’m done with here. I do not know where I will go next. But I suppose that should be fun and exciting, rather than depressing and worrisome. Perhaps, I’ll have fun today.
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